If You Insult The Waiter
by miikka-xx
Summary: He'll Spit In Your Miso Soup. Katsura celebrates Gintoki's birthday the only way he knows how: inviting their old friends for dinner. Joui OT4, with cameos from the Shinsengumi and a Hijikata in denial. complete.


**miikka-xx: **i need to leave this fandom. it's taking over my life. inspired by Taril's awesome formatting skills. Check her fics out. gen!GinZura is just as awesome as yaoi!GinZura.

**title: **if you insult the waiter, he'll spit in your miso soup**  
rating:** T+ (15+)**  
summary: **Katsura celebrates Gintoki's birthday the only way he knows how: inviting their old comrades for dinner. Joui OT4, with cameos from the Shinsengumi and a Hijikata in denial. complete.**  
diclaimer: **i'm not smart enough to think of half the parodies Hideaki Sorachi does (that lovable gorilla.)**  
warning(s):** default warning of crack and bad writing. lime.

* * *

"Gintokiiii!"

Silence.

"I know you're in there!"

Silence.

"If you don't open this door, I swear...!"

Silence.

"Gintoki, if you don't open this door right now..."

Silence.

"...I will sing Happy Birthday right here, on your porch."

"WHAT DO YOU WANT."

* * *

_if you insult the waiter, he'll spit in your miso soup_

_

* * *

_

Gintoki grumbled as he walked the streets of Edo beside Katsura, who had a pleased look on his face. Shinpachi and Kagura had both insisted to tag along, but Katsura had charmingly promised them they would get to party with their Gin-san after he was done partying with his old comrades.

Gin did not like the sound of 'old comrades'.

They approached a bustling restaurant and let Elizabeth show them to a corner booth in the back. Once they slid in together on the same side, much to Gintoki's displeasure, Katsura assured him that the seats across from them were reserved.

"Are you so poor that we can only reserve half a booth?" deadpanned Gintoki, glaring at the empty space in front of him.

"Nonsense, your friends are on their way, they'll be here in a minute," smiled Katsura, placing a placating hand on his friend's shoulder. Gintoki shrugged it off and opened the menu with a sigh.

Why did he let Zura into his life? _Why?_ What god was punishing him now?

Suddenly, he heard a distinct crash and Gintoki felt his head slam against the table as Katsura forcibly made him duck from the flying mortar.

"AHAHA! My bad! I thought there was a parking stall here!"

People were screaming in panic. Sakamoto appeared unscathed. Gintoki cursed his luck.

The man seemed quite unperturbed as he dragged another person along in a cloak - most likely that crazy woman of his - thought Gintoki as he busied himself with clearing the table from concrete blocks and wood chips with Katsura's kimono sleeve.

He turned out quite, quite wrong.

"Why am _I _here?"

"Why is _he_ here?"

Gintoki stared at Takasugi with undisguised dislike.

"It's your birthday, you should celebrate it with friends," answered Katsura diplomatically.

Sakamoto and Takasugi slid into their seats across from the other two. Awkward silence descended upon them like a casually dropped anvil.

Katsura broke it, "should we do presents before dinner or after?"

"Presents?" asked Gintoki incredulously. "What presents?"

Sakamoto suddenly started to squirm in his seat, "s-stop that, Takasugi, we're in public, haha, haan..."

Gintoki felt faintly ill. "Stop having sex in the restaurant."

Katsura looked surprised, "we're already skipping to that part?"

"What _'that part'? Sex _was part of the _plan_?" exclaimed Gin, "what_ is it _with you people!"

"Everyone, shut up," snapped Takasugi, pulling out a handgun. He cocked it and aimed at the far wall. With five shots, the 'No Smoking' sign was obliterated.

"You're such high maintenance," sighed Katsura, opening his menu, "you could have asked Sakamoto for his gun, instead searching blindly for it yourself."

"_I'm_ high-maintenance?" snorted the man. "Look at your hair. And as if any of you would voluntarily give me a weapon."

"He has a point," said Gintoki dully, his brain refusing to function logically anymore. They opened their menus and scrolled through their list with barely concealed apathy, saving their energy to tolerate each other. A minute or two passed in relative, tension-filled silence, interrupted only when a few unexpected guests arrived, stopping at their booth, followed with clanking metal and the scent of mayonnaise.

"On a date, are we, Danna?" asked Okita brightly, glaring down at the two undisguised terrorists. Katsura sighed and closed his menu. Takasugi took a long puff from his pipe to calm his nerves.

"Oh it's true Kintoki used to have a roll in the hay with Zura, but they broke up now," supplied Sakamoto cheerily.

"Oh really?" said Hijikata, tone obviously amused.

Gintoki went red and threw his menu at Sakamoto's head. "He's a bit out of it, you see, don't actually believe anything he says."

"Are you denying our relationship?" asked Katsura, looking betrayed.

"_What? _No! I mean - Zura, it's not - a guy gets _lonely_ at war - you had _long hair _and - " sputtered Gin. Takasugi snorted.

"I'd love to hear you justify sleeping with me then."

Hijikata's eyebrows disappeared in his hairline, "_two_ terrorists?"

"And a businessman, haha!" said Sakamoto, raising his hand.

"Would you guys _shut the hell up_." Gintoki cleared his throat, looking at the Shinsengumi, "you see, officers, these three are under the delusion that they have even the charisma and charm to lure me into bed, when obviously I would _never_ even entertain the idea."

"I bet I can still give you a boner in 30 seconds flat," replied Takasugi.

"30 seconds? I can do that with one look," said Katsura stiffly. Sakamoto giggled and played along, "but guys, he'd go for the one with most experience, ahaha!"

"It seems your pretend lovers are competing over you," observed Okita, cocking his bazooka and aiming it at Katsura's head, "and while I'd love to stay and chat about your lovelife, Danna, I have some killing to do. Close your eyes so you don't get any blood splatters in them. Your kimono's going to be dyed red, unfortunately."

"On my _birthday_?" cried out Gintoki, looking down at his white kimono protectively.

Okita paused. "It's your birthday?"

"We're having a party," answered Katsura, seemingly unperturbed at the large weapon being pointed at his head.

During this exchange, Kondo had walked up from behind his two subordinates and was now paused, thinking.

"I guess we can let you go if it's for Yorozuya-san's birthday," he said finally.

"Kondo-san!" exclaimed Hijikata, alarmed, "you can't do this! Next time we see him, it'll be Katsura's birthday or something! What then!"

"That's not a bad idea," murmured Zura. Suddenly, he stood up, holding his hands in front of him. The arguing officers paused. Katsura's tone was flat as he talked, "it seems that this party was bound to get ruined. And the fact that my lover is denying our relationship in public is quite heartbreaking. I think I'm depressed enough to turn myself in."

Takasugi tugged Katsura's wrist towards him, catching his attention, "It's one lover out of three. Me 'n Sakamoto are quite willing to warm your futon."

"Yep!" agreed Sakamoto loudly, curling his arms around Takasugi's neck as he leaned over to kiss Zura's knuckles.

Kondo, being new to the situation, did not remotely understand. "Eh. Is everyone sleeping with everyone here?"

"Pretty much," explained Okita, pulling out his handcuffs.

Kondo's eyes widened in realization as he looked around the room, "Toushi!"

"Yes?" said Hijikata immediately.

"You better be using lots of lube with Sougo! And protection! He's quite delicate you know!"

"_What_."

Okita glanced over at the Vice-Captain, "oh, Hijikata-san, it was a little rough last night. I'm still sore."

"_What do you mean 'sore'? What did we do last night?_"

"You don't remember?" Okita's eyes widened, a perfect imitation of Katsura's previous betrayed expression.

"_We did absolutely nothing, don't believe him Kondo-san_."

"My heart's breaking," replied Okita blandly, handcuffing Katsura.

"_Like you have a heart, you sadist_."

Kastura turned around and blew a kiss to Gintoki, his face and voice serious, "goodbye, darling, shall we ever meet again is a question that is yet to be answered."

"Oi, oi, oi! This isn't some Monday night drama!" said Gintoki hurriedly. "Zura, I'm _sorry_, you moron! Now, get back here and finish what you started!"

"That was said in a awfully sexual context," pointed out Takasugi. Gintoki flipped him the bird.

"Oh, look, he said sorry," Katsura deadpanned, turning towards Okita, before punching him in the jaw. The boy did not have time to react as Katsura slammed a knee into his stomach, propelling the body into Hijikata.

"Haha, we should probably help!" suggested Sakamoto, pulling out his gun. Takasugi languidly got up, unsheating his sword as a Shinsengumi officer charged at him.

"All of you shut up and give back Zura," he said coolly. Nobody listened. With an irritable sigh, he jumped into the fray.

It was a fight worth remembering. Never to be recorded in Shinsengumi history, people still passed it on as the legendary day each and every one of the police officers got their asses handed back to them by a quartet of the most dysfunctional kind - an albino, a giggling lunatic, a woman and a one-eyed pirate.

Granted, some details _do_ get lost in the mix up.

* * *

"_Ahn_~ Takasuu_uuu_~" Sakamoto's moan was lost in Gintoki's mouth, as the man kissed him thoroughly, making the other panting and begging for more. Takasugi bit into the curly-haired man's shoulder, sucking at the skin until it bruised, making a wail erupt and soon be muffled.

"Gintokii_ii_," Zura gasped as he was pushed against Sakamoto, sweat-slicked skin sliding over each other. Katsura let his hands wander over the tanned planes of Sakamoto's chest, leaning up and sucking on the tongue of his terrorist counterpart as he was caressed by Gintoki. The room was filled with sweat and moans and keens as the four men lost themselves to mindless pleasure.

After it was over and the sheets were effectively tangled between them, a comfortable and familiar silence descended over them - a feeling of peace and tranquility and almost normalcy.

"You know, in the end, we did get to the sex part first," remarked Katsura.

And Takasugi lit his pipe. And Sakamoto inhaled the smoke. And Katsura hummed a war song. And Gintoki idly braided Zura's hair.

And life, for once, slowed down just enough to savour.

(And maybe, Gintoki thought, this was his best birthday yet.)

* * *

**an: **other than my blatant love for ginzura, i have a secret adoration for takasaka and a repressed obsession with the joui qaurtet. would you believe me if i said this started as an innocent ginzura?

Drop a line! I _love_ hearing what you guys think!

* * *

**BONUS: ****OMAKE**

"Gin-san! I found these presents for you!"

"Oh, Shinpachi-kun, thank you, you didn't have to."

"They're not from _me_."

"Oh. It's probably from _them_."

"Open them!"

Pause. Sound of wrapping paper being ripped.

"...What is this."

"Are those hair care products? Did you just get a straightener? Oh, Gin-san, look conditioner too! _Strawberry scented_!"


End file.
